


The Diary Entries of Anthony J. Crowley

by Lulabelle15



Category: Angels - Fandom, Aziraphale - Fandom, Crowley - Fandom, Demons - Fandom, Good Omens
Genre: Angst, Aziraphale is dead, Bittersweet Ending, Death, Diary, Love, Mentions of fluff, dealing with grief, good omens - Freeform, ineffable husbands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2020-08-10 19:28:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20140765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lulabelle15/pseuds/Lulabelle15
Summary: AU: Aziraphale was destroyed by the angels in heaven for 'fraternizing with the enemy'.Crowley writes to cope with his grief.





	The Diary Entries of Anthony J. Crowley

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first piece of creative writing I have ever done (aside from school which I left over 2 years ago) so I'm new to this stuff.   
I tried to base this on the 5 stages of grief! So if you read through you'll see that each paragraph (roughly) matches a stage of grief! 
> 
> \- Lucy

The diary entries of Anthony J. Crowley

For you, my dearest Aziraphale. My love, my life, my angel. 

One month 

Hey angel. It’s been one month exactly since you left me alone on this planet you loved so much. I suppose I should have started writing this sooner, but this is the first time my thoughts have been somewhat clear. The past 30 days have consisted of nothing but sleeping, wine, and screaming to whoever is listening to me to stop this cruel joke and bring you back to me. I’ve barely left the apartment, there isn’t much need to. Only been outside twice to get more wine. I know that I could have all the wine I want but you liked doing things the human way and so fuck it, I’ll try it out too. That’s why I’m writing to be honest, thought it might be something you would appreciate. Not that it matters anyway, for some reason you won’t come back. You’re watching me suffer down here alone, how much longer am I going to have to deal with this? Just come back angel, come back and make this all go away.

One year

Still here. One year. Fucking cheers to that, yeah? I wish I could say that things have improved but in all honesty I’m not much better than I was before. Emotions are not something I can easily control. This apartment has been ripped apart countless times in a fit of rage while the tears burn my face. Then I piece it back together knowing you wouldn’t be happy with the way I’m coping without you. It just stings, angel, it stings and I don’t know what to do anymore.   
I’m in constant fucking pain.  
How could those bastards take you away from me? You were mine, you were my angel, not theirs. The thought of them hurting you is enough to turn the blood in my veins back to the fire that once burned through them. How could you let them, how could you leave me with nothing but the agonising pain of loss? I thought you loved me, Aziraphale. I would never abandon you like you’ve abandoned me. This fucking hurts make it stop.

Eighteen months

I went into the car today, for the first time. It has taken me so long. Your book was still there on the backseat, patiently waiting for its rightful owner to collect it and enjoy the words within, but that day will never come. The book was ‘The Nightingale and The Rose’. Oscar Wilde. Remember how upset you were on that day in 1895? I do, I held you close to me on the bookshop sofa and we talked about how not being able to be with someone you love was…ridiculous. We stayed that way the entire night, your head on my chest and my arms around you.   
I took the book back to the apartment with me, clutched it to my chest, and cried until the sun fell and rose again. Please come back to me, my beautiful angel. I need to hear your voice in my ears, feel your skin under my hands and your love in my heart. That was the only heaven I ever needed.   
Some days I cry. Sadness envelopes me, curls around me until I suffocate and the heartache swallows me whole. I think about you, go through our memories together and cry myself to sleep on the sofa. These days are bad, but there are days that are worse.  
Some days I feel nothing. My heart is empty, my head is blank, my senses are numb. These are the days in which I see no point in continuing further. What’s the point in persevering if I can’t even feel?  
My darling I only exist because you existed. And now that you are gone I’m wondering what the heaven I’m still doing here. 

Five Years

They tried to take the bookshop. Wanted to buy it and turn it into a cafe or something, one of the buyers tried to argue with me. He won’t again.   
Standing outside your shop I could feel myself slowly collapsing inside, a weight the size of the earth pulling my empty heart down in my chest. This shop was your pride and joy, your home. It was my home too I always felt safer here, lying on the sofa while you softly mumbled to yourself as you read, the lights dimmed to create a warm glow. It was as if there was a protective bubble around the room, as if no one could ever break through and hurt us.   
I was never really a fan of irony.   
Today I went in. Nothing has physically changed in the past decade, other than the amount of dust covering your books. But the absence of life and love was almost unbearable. You weren’t there anymore. I tried to turn things back to the way they were. The dust vanished, but there is no way to bring this place back to life. You did that on your own, Aziraphale. Your pure and simple love filled this room more than any angelic or demonic magic ever could. 

Thirty Years

Tadfield. I visited Tadfield again. Thought it might help bring back some memories, help me heal. In a way it sort of did. Remember Adam Young? He still lives here, and his love for the place is still as clear as it was all that time ago. The witch girl and her strange boyfriend moved away years ago, but they return every year to pay Adam a visit. I think that I will start doing the same, I quite like it here. Angel, I always thought that we could live here together one day, once the end of the world was over. Just us, our own side, as one. 

One hundred years

Hi angel.   
Do you know where I went today? Alpha Centauri. I went up there alone- only I wasn’t alone, was I? You were there, I looked up and I saw you, my love. 

And that’s when I realised that you never left me. You’ve been here all along, haven’t you? The reason I’m still here is because you were always there beside me, even when I was too blind to realise. You kept me going, you pushed me onward, you kept me alive. I may not be able to feel you in the way that I would like but I know that you’re here with me. It has taken me too long to realise but now, I know.  
I know that you could never leave me, because you love me and I love you, endlessly. 

And so, for one last time, my darling Aziraphale. 

To the world.


End file.
